About Me

I will not die an unlived life. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise.

I would like to write a few books before my time here on earth is gone. I’ve already composed a total of 3 songs with hopes to compose more in the Future, but the music is missing from them. I want to learn to play the Guitar, Piano, or Electric Cello also. I would Love taking up Photography, Body Art, Painting, learning to Draw better and of course creating my own Art with a new Style..(something nobody has ever seen before) My Life Long Dream is to see the Ocean in person, and to see it for the first time with my Soul-Mate. I have no Desire to see it any other way. I have heard it can be Gentle, yet Fierce and Dangerous. Seeing the Ocean is my biggest Hearts Desire although I’ve been told that nobody goes to “see” the Ocean but rather they go to “experience” it. I’m very Interested in Human Behavior and people’s experiences and situations in their lives that cause them to react certain ways, whatever they may be. I feel I am a good listener and can help people who are having Problems, I am capable of helping Suicidal and Depressed people, as I have done before many times, probably because I can relate to them quite well from my own past experiences. My Life has been very hard and stressful, but I always keep in mind that there are always others out there who have had it worse than me. The Author “Dave Pelzer” is one of my biggest Inspirations, and if you’ve ever read his books, you know what I’m talking about. I’ve finally freed myself from some feelings I had about certain people that were a big part of my life even if I wasn’t a big part of theirs. Some Problems I realize I created on my own, and other Problems I didn’t. I don’t think that people think very often about the things they should not forget, Like believing in themselves, their skills, talents and that they should not allow others to tell them how to be, what to be, or who to be. Everyone writes their own Storybook of Tales… some to be told, and others not. What’s right for someone else may not always be right for you or me. I live my Life in Truth and Honesty and I refuse to Lie to myself and to others any longer. I’ve lied to myself and other people long enough. Lying to someone is the most humiliating, degrading thing you can do to another person and I am Guilty of this. If you ask my opinion you will get it. You may not like the answer but keep in mind it’s only my Perception that you may or may not share. I’ve been famous for saying the words “Who can Truly say what’s Right or Wrong?” But I’ve also learned in my life journey that we can only ever know our own Truth. To deny your own Truth would be to deny being a part of who you are. I used to say to people that they should never Live with any Regrets, and I didn’t for such a long time, but there are things that I do Regret and I’m glad I do, because those Regrets have made me a better person and have taught me a lot. I do live by one quote and have for a long time, I don’t think that will ever change. The quote I live by is “The biggest risk in life is not taking one at all.” I believe in that very much because it’s true. Actions speak louder than words in most cases, and without taking risks, we never know what would or could have been.

I’m back in Texas near my family which is a great feeling and it’s been great spending time with all of them.. Poetry for me is Magical and I have found that at times when I cannot fully articulate my feelings that writing poetry is one of my only tools for communicating. Poetry helps me discover things about myself and the world that surrounds me by going into my subconscious mind, Ripping out my Soul, and laying it down on paper, Only then do I slowly discover the Truth about me. I am a woman by nature that has a need to give of myself and in doing so be accepted. I give generously and without expectation of recompense. A deeper more primal area of me longs for an acceptance of those around me that I have not yet found. My deepest desire is to be respected and loved for who I am yet I am conflicted in who I am still today. I am willing to see past the bad in others sometimes to the detriment of my own well being. This usually leads to me being hurt when the other person turns their back on me and walks away. I am also likely to blame myself for the situation in isolation. I find myself becoming withdrawn and self-flagellating when this happens. For all my self inflicted woes through others I still allow the pain in them to become my own and am deeply hurt when I can’t help or improve the condition of the person I care for that is suffering. This is the soft side of me… I have been dealt a miserable hand through life, one that should not be suffered or taken lightly by anyone. Still through it all even at my weakest moments I have been able to persevere and make it on my own, moving forward without the aide or comfort of others to help me through my most trying of times. I am my own worst enemy; I belittle and downplay the value of my own worth, paying the price for everyone else and then paying it again in my own way which is a clinging guilt. Through all of this I have continued to grow somehow. I try finding within myself a sense of balance and restricted being as fine as a razors edge along with which I must travel in order not to plummet back to the depths of hell which I quite literally have had to claw my way out of over and over again. Self imposed purpose and rigid allowances are my closest friends and protectors in this life that I have been born into. Lifting myself up and surviving where others fear to tread, I have welded within myself a core of steel, the depth and strength is something that I myself have not even begun to fathom. This is the Strong side of me… Because the thinly veiled curtain that rests between where I have been Emotionally… and where I long to be can be ripped away at a moments notice if by some unfortunate chance my heart leads me to the rocky shoals of a corrupt lover once again. Knowing this I try desperately to avoid any situation which may prove to be my undoing. I try to be careful in my words, although I don’t always succeed. I defend myself to the pleas of my own heart. My emotions rule and guide me by whispering in my ear to do all the good that I myself do for others. I am incapable of becoming the cold and rigid person in order to totally ignore my own heart. The best I’ve been able to hope for is to silence my true desires, hoping that when the veil is finally rent that it would be done by someone who Truly cares and Loves me unconditionally and unlike anyone else ever has. I want to know him and will spend my life hoping for his return. I am lonely, sad and frustrated with life, Unwilling though to give up but not seeing an end in sight to the plight and circumstances in which I currently reside. Afraid to trust in someone else, Afraid to allow anyone to Love me completely. I have made some choices in depression that in many ways has left me feeling even more worthless than before, but I have also made some good choices in my own content that have in many ways left me feeling fulfilled. I have been hunted by people who saw me as prey, and forced me to crawl along the ground and hide in order to survive, but that is the measure of life. All these trials are leading to a time that I have hope in, where I will emerge and break free for the entire world to see. Tranquil and Proud and burning with Passion and Fire bringing beauty to the world around me. Only then will I truly be able to see with my own eyes freely. This is the Fragile side of me… When it comes down to it you can only count on yourself. No matter what anyone ever says to me, I know that I am Truly Alone in this world at the moment.  My Life has only reinforced my feelings of Loneliness but in that I will be strong and see a bigger picture and have hope. I wear my heart upon my sleeve at all times, and keep an open mind. All I can do is try to be a better person and learn from my own Mistakes and Experiences and wish well on others. Life is damn hard and I am my own burden… I am Intrinsically Motivated…